the anomaly tween/teenager/youth

i was just watching "The Vox" by ChannelNewsAsia, on an edition about tweens. great stuff.

not that i am acting young to categorize myself in their generation, but reflecting the materials unto myself reminded me about some odd (and scary) truths about this melvin.

even as a younger tween, or teenager, or even a youth now, i knew all along that i was an anomaly to the generation.

i despised the "ultraman", "superman", and their family of action heroes since young, and even today i keep harry potter a thousand miles at bay, to the offence of thousands, probably millions. i could not understand why men would be obsessed with the impossibly supernatural, why live in unattainable fantasies?

so, even at a tender age, i dominated the black box (as much as i could) and switched to the mature channel 8 during the "aunty" time belt when the other channel was busy attracting tweens/teenagers with their cartoons.
that was how i got to know the six "ah jies" of mediacorp at that age even better than any adult,
and started noticing kym ng and evelyn tan to be enthroned in my heart of admiration.
i'd rather be lost in the world of romance, money, and fame, than be thrilled by men flying on fake wings.

today, i still continue buckling the trend to stick out as a sore thumb in my crowd.
i always feel, and proclaim, that "i am too old to be studying".
not that i am not enjoying studying.
yesterday, a junior asked about my "secret to success" now.
my frank reply was to "love what you are studying". and it is true - i cannot enjoy my studies any better now.
but at the same time, i cannot deny the eagerness to be "released", into the great corporate world of dreams.
oh, wait for me. (:

the day my world ridiculed me.

melvin was shut down, by himself. he surrendered, to himself.

the moment the eyelids forced a shut, he was drawn into a battle deep within and foreign to him.
there was no sight, but there was vision clear as he wrestled and touched with issues he wasn't quick to bury in time.

he saw...

as the towers of strength crumbled.
"what were you holding on to?"

as the moments of pride faded.
"what did you think you could own?"

as the meaning of life drained.
"what were you living for?"

and he, surrendered.




i came on board melvinstory today wanting to write my way out.
out of this feeling of helplessness.
yet, the heart is numbed,
it utters nothing.

你的愛將與我同在

the summer has almost finished its run in 2009.
it is about time.

i am hating myself for probably not fulfilling what i had wanted this summer to do for me.
this summer, i laid ambitions. some new. some big. some sound good.
i made plans.

but i have not made peace. with myself.

sometimes, when God gives more, there comes a period of knowing how to deal with the increase.
we want to hold on tightly to all that we have gained, and guard securely all the enlarged boundaries conquered.
and i am not prepared, defending the enlarged tent He has given me.

the feeling of insecurity, of fear of losing, takes over.

but i know my God.
"oh, You actually heard me", again and again to Him i have said.

so, if i know He cares to hear the significant and insignificant cries of my heart, every time,
then i know He probably will be there to see me through another good year.

this must be one of the greatest things i have done this summer, what i have done this moment.
just letting it flow through this piece,
i felt,
some form of peace,
returned.

掌聲響起來
我心更明白
你的愛將與我同在 :)