黃靖倫

thats the good thing about being emo.

you have unexpected findings sometimes.

i was youtubing, and,
oh man, i didnt realise 黃靖倫 is SO GOOD. really. and he already has his own album. i wish i am rich enough to get it tomorrow. haha.

he got me singing along with him since 8 plus till now (almost 1am into the night), and i am not finished with his videos.
haha.
and, maybe when im tired out this way, i'll feel less emo.

im dreaming again

i needed a break. and yea, it was nice reminiscing the good-old-days.
oh man, the junyang days.

he still remains my idol. though it's a pity he has taken a leave from frontstage.
i still want to be like him.

i remember the days i smsed like crazy.
and my soul flipped (is there such a thing? but anyhow, i just felt crazy) when he came to SA! (and i got a few photos taken with him)
and how i sheepishly took his magazine cover to the salon and asked for his hair to be transplanted to me.
and went over the moon when his debut album was released. (i begged mum to go and pre-order it for me cos i was locked up in camp).

oh, those days. haha.

children.

i was watching a show just now, and i thought it pulled a heartstring in me.

i dont konw, i may be, i seem to be wrong about this, but i (used to?) be very much against the babies campaign in singapore.

for one, i could not agree with the past campaigns.
especially the one (before i was born) in the 70s encouraging singaporeans to get into the mood of baby-making because the nation needed them.

how heroic.

but i hated to think about who were the ones that responded to the campaign, with fervency.
the middle class singaporeans then were barely educated (seriously). many couples had troubles finding means to meet their own needs, much less any other body in the family.

i hated to think that many of those babies made (and partly because of the campaign) were victims of parents who went into making them (and succeeded) without having pre-birthed anything concrete in plans for the future upbringing of the children. they had been called to give birth, but had they been adequately educated at the same time about the realities of parenthood?

i hate to have thought that many of them came into this world with an unfair burden they had no choice about bearing.

fast forward a few decades, i still was uneasy about the same thing that is being advocated.

yes, the middle class struggles may have become less hard, but i still cannot bear to see any child being raised in our modern age today with some basic necessities still deprived from them. i have to admit though that our social security is strong, and i therefore cannot point a finger at basics like education and nutrition. maybe im a little idealistic, but what about other items not cared for like insurance protection and some painful child-raising financial plans? in this society that we live in, i could not bear to think of the absurdity of not seeing these as important, and the plan B of 'taking a step at a time' after the child is born concerning them. i used to think these should have been prepared for even before the process of baby making took place.

i remember hearing a minister calling for singaporean parents to 'not adopt an over calculative approach' when faced with this issue of child bearing. i used to think, how not to, and if that was a responsible remark at all.

and it seemed to me the other intangible factors were not making up for the lack of the real needs. i'd worked in a children's church, and the few examples of how those innocent ones evidenced the lack of family support and love caused me to helplessly want to represent their unfair position. but of course, i must be caution that the few exceptions that i witnessed could have led to my hasty generalization.

and we still see examples in our society today depicting under-privileged families saddled with more children than they possibly can handle. i did not know who to blame, if any.

i may be wrong, in fact, i am sorry. i guess it is a selfish argument that i have presented, and i had placed insufficient value in the gift of children God has given to all who so desire. i have to change some things within me and my own thinking.

did-i-beat-the-light?

it made me remember how i was very panicky when i just got my driving license and had a few incidents (in a row) where i thought i had beaten the traffic light.

as a new driver then, the concern was the risk of losing the license.

and, given the highly dangerous stunts i performed frequently (i've since improved), the first few (and probably most horrific ones) being those i did on the poor chevolet aveo just one day after my passing, it did scare me every now and then. 'did i get caught on that grey box that is named speed camera'?

no la. you wont be so heng.

no la. if it catches you, the flashlight would be very obvious even in the day.

no la......

oh man, i am scared again today.
well, i dont want to be fined!

i will really take the amber as a warning more from now. please believe. :'(

grandson

on tuesday i woke up in shock, and i told mum that i had a dream, that granddad walked into it and said a goodbye to me.

i guess i have to make time this weekend, for a trip to the hospital.

i remember my paternal granddad did that to me years ago. i was very afraid, because i was never close to him, but i guess i made an impression because i tagged with mum when she made daily visitation trips during his last days. but still, for him to walk into my dreams this way (when he was just in heaven), i felt afraid.

but he came with a purpose. he told me, amongst others, that he had wanted me to be the first to accept Christ for the family. this i'll not forget, for life. he was daring to have chosen me (or rather, God was daring), cos i was (very) anti-christ then. what a mandate.

and he told me heaven was good,

and, before we parted, he stretched his hands to reach mine.

sis had just told me that the family has been preparing for my other granddad's leaving needs.

i have to make the trip this time.

i need to run

i woke up today, reminded of my not-forgotten dream: that i had so much wished before (and i still wish) to be pursuing an education overseas.

anywhere.

not that i despise an education here, i am really blessed to be where i am now.

but i was rather, reminded of my need to escape.
and i realize i still need to. i wish for otherwise.

sometimes, the matter is no longer whether you're a stayer, fighter or, by escaping, a quitter.

sometimes,
appeal to ignorance is bliss.
because not all situations can be fought. resign.

隱形的翅膀

每一次 都在 徘徊孤單中堅強
每一次 就算很受傷也不閃淚光
我知道 我一直有雙隱形的翅膀
帶我飛 飛過絕望

不去想 他們 擁有美麗的太陽
我看見 每天的夕陽也會有變化
我知道 我一直有雙隱形的翅膀
帶我飛 給我希望

我終于 看到 所有夢想都開花
追逐的年輕歌聲多嘹亮
我終于 翱翔 用心凝望不害怕
哪里會有風就飛多遠吧

隱形的翅膀 讓夢恒久比天長
留一個愿望讓自己 想象

i remember last sunday, when i was driving to school, this song was played over the airwaves. and as i listened, and hummed, those sentimental feelings came like a flood.

*每一次 就算很受傷也不閃淚光*

i was just sharing briefly that day with a friend, that though this has been a rough time of my life, and as well as a trying one, it had not been one which showed or allowed many outlets for that pent-up agonies. yes, i will not deny that there were good times too, and probably they were remedying the not-so-good-times unconsciously, i dont know.

but i dont know, things had been happening so fast they did not allow any time for reflective thoughts, and i dont know if it means good for anyone.

*我知道 我一直有雙隱形的翅膀*

but i know i had been blessed. and i can count those blessings.

the learning curve has been steep for me these while, and i appreciate every opportunity that knocked. just today, i wore, for the first time (*blush*), the real power suit and had the honor of speaking in the front-of-house capacity for the class.

and i had few feel-good presentations which felt as if i were another person - i didnt know i could pull them all off.

and i know, i couldnt have done anything near this much, if i had not been (biased-ly) blessed by God. it had been long since i was able to do such a thing. since few years back when i made a public blunder (i used to be 'outspoken', and had fairly good public speaking skills) and almost had to pay a heavy price for it, i shunned away from making myself openly vulnerable this way. and i became so cautious of every next opportunity to present myself (which i tried to avoid), that i realized i was overcame with fear. who would have knew i once had confidence - no trace could be seen. i became a complete portrayal of the shy and fearful background worker. i refused speaking to the unfamiliar.

but i knew it was the devil's work, which i cannot subdue to. since the day i made a choice for smu, i knew it was 'God better come true for me' or nothing. it was a daring move, but a faithful one.

and i know, when i pray, God moves. thank You, for the 隱形的翅膀. =)

and, i pray for a greater capacity, really. there's much more that can be done better.

not so himbo because.

i cant wait for tomorrow's live election results and the lunch discussion session with the congregation of professors and learned professionals at smu.

and of course, obama will and must win. haha.

but thats not my main point. i guess i am very privileged to have friends like ronald around me. i mean, since the days of sajc, since the days madam chan made him and i (and another schoolmate) present about dr. mahathir in front of the college, i knew he was going to be an important 'intellectual link' i am going to enjoy in life.

without him, i would have been much more a himbo.

and i've really learnt alot, through his many 'oei go sign up for this and that with me leh' nudges. we've weathered some very exciting competitions and events (the most recent being the apex challenge and tata crucible - which hey, we did well ok. haha.) and i took away from them lessons i could not have a chance with elsewhere.

but, i've never said thank you explicitly. because, in his words, im always 'full of shit'. haha.