the anomaly tween/teenager/youth

i was just watching "The Vox" by ChannelNewsAsia, on an edition about tweens. great stuff.

not that i am acting young to categorize myself in their generation, but reflecting the materials unto myself reminded me about some odd (and scary) truths about this melvin.

even as a younger tween, or teenager, or even a youth now, i knew all along that i was an anomaly to the generation.

i despised the "ultraman", "superman", and their family of action heroes since young, and even today i keep harry potter a thousand miles at bay, to the offence of thousands, probably millions. i could not understand why men would be obsessed with the impossibly supernatural, why live in unattainable fantasies?

so, even at a tender age, i dominated the black box (as much as i could) and switched to the mature channel 8 during the "aunty" time belt when the other channel was busy attracting tweens/teenagers with their cartoons.
that was how i got to know the six "ah jies" of mediacorp at that age even better than any adult,
and started noticing kym ng and evelyn tan to be enthroned in my heart of admiration.
i'd rather be lost in the world of romance, money, and fame, than be thrilled by men flying on fake wings.

today, i still continue buckling the trend to stick out as a sore thumb in my crowd.
i always feel, and proclaim, that "i am too old to be studying".
not that i am not enjoying studying.
yesterday, a junior asked about my "secret to success" now.
my frank reply was to "love what you are studying". and it is true - i cannot enjoy my studies any better now.
but at the same time, i cannot deny the eagerness to be "released", into the great corporate world of dreams.
oh, wait for me. (:

the day my world ridiculed me.

melvin was shut down, by himself. he surrendered, to himself.

the moment the eyelids forced a shut, he was drawn into a battle deep within and foreign to him.
there was no sight, but there was vision clear as he wrestled and touched with issues he wasn't quick to bury in time.

he saw...

as the towers of strength crumbled.
"what were you holding on to?"

as the moments of pride faded.
"what did you think you could own?"

as the meaning of life drained.
"what were you living for?"

and he, surrendered.




i came on board melvinstory today wanting to write my way out.
out of this feeling of helplessness.
yet, the heart is numbed,
it utters nothing.

你的愛將與我同在

the summer has almost finished its run in 2009.
it is about time.

i am hating myself for probably not fulfilling what i had wanted this summer to do for me.
this summer, i laid ambitions. some new. some big. some sound good.
i made plans.

but i have not made peace. with myself.

sometimes, when God gives more, there comes a period of knowing how to deal with the increase.
we want to hold on tightly to all that we have gained, and guard securely all the enlarged boundaries conquered.
and i am not prepared, defending the enlarged tent He has given me.

the feeling of insecurity, of fear of losing, takes over.

but i know my God.
"oh, You actually heard me", again and again to Him i have said.

so, if i know He cares to hear the significant and insignificant cries of my heart, every time,
then i know He probably will be there to see me through another good year.

this must be one of the greatest things i have done this summer, what i have done this moment.
just letting it flow through this piece,
i felt,
some form of peace,
returned.

掌聲響起來
我心更明白
你的愛將與我同在 :)

count thy blessings

was listening to the radio today, and the dj reminded us of how time has gone by us.
boy, again we're at the point where it's probably too late to capture time lost through 2009!

i remember, always around this point of the year i would write something on melvinstory.
somehow.
i would say that i want a better half of the year.

i think it presents a good time to count thy blessings too.
there's something about counting the number of times i have been used to be a blessing that has been occupying my mind lately.

i might not have been such a great one, but at least i know i did last week when i returned from malaysia and gave my leftover currencies to my sis.
indeed as i stood at the table where she was i just felt God whispering for me to do it.
and i didnt know she was waiting for the blessing God had caused her to anticipate for (i peeped at her blog).
little gestures, might not amount to much, but God, that's what i want to count more often.

i dont have much,
still God,
i would love to try again, being Your blessing.

blame shifting

if you ask me, i hate this.

but sometimes, no explanation is better than explaining your way out. right?

it hurts pride, it creates disappointment, though. especially when you are wronged in front of somebody you respect, somebody whose view of you you want to protect.

but i keep my silence.

bye

the feeling of disorientation, you know.

one week earlier it was the first ict of my ns-life, and now im thrown back into a completely different world.
as the new week reaches, i am feeling a little lost trying to enter it.

suddenly some things must change.
the things you do to endure time must change.
you must accept that you will see lesser of the people you had been dependent on for the week.
even the pace of life changes.

how nice if things such as comfort zones dont exist, right?
they dont, except in the minds. that makes them ever so controlling of you.

...

this week, it is probably time for melvin to seek closure for the year.
to be thankful for the steady stream of blessings.
to seek out areas of improvement.
to set sight on higher goals.

thats the only way to ask for a more meaningful year ahead.
i want to spend the year giving more meaningful deposits to the lives of people i appreciate,
and enjoy the presence of them more than i did in the past year.
i want to gain more meaningful moments of sweat and labor in the things i set my hands to build,
and grow in wisdom and understanding through the year.

thank the comfort zones i enjoyed staying within, i am moving on.
boy, this requires some effort.

many desires.

Sometimes, when you are pursuing multiple objectives, the occurrence of conflict or unsatisfactory fulfillment of them due to spread resources creates a distressing situation.

i feel trapped, neglected, helpless.
and i hate myself for the insecurity.

God, i need You.

the great F4, where i belong.

haha. one good show per holiday.
i just finished flower four/flower over boys (or whatever the koreans decide to call it).
it was very good.
albeit it made my heart sit through nights of roller coaster scares (but the perfect couple made it!), tissue paper waste.

i went to the food fair with mum today.
honestly, and secretly, what's the draw? haha.
just dont think. when everything appears "cheap cheap" (really?). just buy, right?

oh well, as a dignified member of F4, the high and noble class, i shall not speak on this further.
(haha!)

you know, watching the few condos i am eyeing rising from dust toward the sky, i am happy.
give me at most five years. you'll be mine.
:)

let me rant.oh,i dont have time to do so.

mel is tired. very.

just some time ago, a week seemed "twang". now, a week has become so eventful, it tires you.

and, you cant bargain. that's summer for you, mel!

haha. nah, mel will be positive about it. just...a little whinny. :)

my buddy turns 24 (soon)...continued

lovely people.

bangs was so protective over his pricey camera we could hardly get our hands on it.
but we acknowledge that the photos could have been nicer with him pictured.
why am i even saying this?
oh we love bangs dont we.

anyway,


mel bengbuddy ahyi (why so excited?)

and i love the following two shots.


ahyi mel


mel bengbuddy

(with tears in my eyes) i'm missing them already.
(*shivers unknowingly)

and i have to return to my studying. it's no holiday.